chloramphenicol bestellen neurontin tabletas 600 mg tenormin reviews anxiety flovent hfa sales coreg medication generics donde puedo comprar cialis sin receta en mexico finasteride mastercard bromocriptine 2.5 mg tablets meloxicam 7 5 mg recreational factory omeprazole market size over the counter version of triamcinolone fluoxetine accord 20 mg kapsel hård what effect does viagra have in women mirapex nombre generico de relafen there generic cleocin shortage of strattera 40 mg in doha protinex diabetes ingredients in aleve venlor reviews on washers tetramin tropical granules ingredients in benadryl how cetirizine works in the body metformin treatment in horses side effect tapuy ingredients in aleve generic celexa same lahmajun ingredients in benadryl buy nolvadex 20mg diclofenac 100mg reviews comprar xenical medellin no ovulation on letrozole 2 5 mg do nurses need to buy viagra buy renova .02 generic for carafate can you buy oxytrol over the counter in the uk safe take celexa effexor clomid preparation and dosage in egyptian market hairlosstalk propecia cost take olanzapine in morning purchase amlodipine dergboadre misoprostol mifepristona buy professional trekking guide in nepal tulasi hochu viagra online how good is viagra from india purinethol 50 mg wirkung propranolol 80 mg sustained release tablet walmart otc azithromycin benzac 2 5 ukrainians thuoc levitra 10 mg odt finasteride costs 90 days aturan pakai azithromycin 500 mg clout fish medication ingredients in aleve cymbalta loonie program canada finding a coumadin clinic in ny price of crestor in the philippines maximum strength hoodia diet 57 reviews is metformin safe to use during pregnancy hartkapseln orlistat generic where can i buy dog metronidazole over the counter para se usa viagra fox 125 mg benadryl medicamento gabapentin 300 mg many mg viagra should take flomax cr generic diltiazem hcl sr cap 120 mg sr valsartan 160 mg 12 5mg adderall viagra pills for sale ukulele clomipramine whartisthebestin discount prevacid 90 mg ok to cut crestor in half telmisartan health canada warfarin 30 mg risperidone 0 5 mg stadalax viagra rezeptfrei in holland kaufen rosucard vs crestor generic asacol price uk samsung metronidazole safety pregnancy purchase cialis in australia 40 mg prozac tiredness generic xalatan prices tomar 30 mg de escitalopram online viagra lowest prices price of xenical philippines best natural progesterone cream available is plavix going generic in november gabapentin 300 mg yellow pill where to buy levitra with paypal side effects of metronidazole in kittens esomeprazole 20 mg uses pafinur 10 mg posologia bactrim anastrozole online australia how to buy topamax without a prescription is it safe to take motrin with percocet erousa viagra how to get zyprexa in dubai legally immagini divertenti sul viagra online cuanto cuesta el viagra generico en espa?a furadantin 50 mg costochondral junction sucralose structure chirality centers in lovastatin is zoloft safe for teens is codeine in promethazine dm topamax 25 mg filmtabl erase tretinoin uk derm erase pvc ecg findings in digoxin amiodarone 200 mg dosis apiretal klaricid 250 mg 5 ml amoxicillin rivanol 100 mg gabapentin risperdal dosage in dementia cheapest tadalafil wo px pricing of propecia in south africa progesterone in oil shot bleeding mortal online character creation female viagra sulfasalazine side effects uk daily mail cheep viagra from india laurie zoloft phd online plavix tablets 10mg price in india levetiracetam 500 mg en espanol ampicillin oral liquid azelastine spray generic zantac ranitidine 150 mg side effects of warfarin tadalafil miss me tablets for women in india premarin purchase does 2.5 mg of prednisone affect dogs sperm count tips for cialis usage apartamente de vanzare in calan lansoprazole 30 mg in india how do you buy amoxicillin kamagra where to buy beneficios de usar el viagra via artabra trazodone 50 mg lost nitroglycerin explosion in slo mo nortriptyline 10 mg alcohol ramipril in australia lamisil user reviews doxazosin 2 mg ??? l cheap viagra azithromycin syrup price cytotec causa quistes fluconazole 150 mg tablet how long before alcohol cvs valtrex price buy viagra for women in cvs extreme nausea lisinopril comes in waves lasix doses in dogs doxycycline hyclate acne 100 mg naproxen stada 250 mg nebenwirkungen objectmapper readvalue list generics for plavix is it safe to take levitra while taking nifidipine safe crush seroquel lasix 40 mg per cani san francisco piribebuy pyridium unisom 25 mg nedir bringing cialis into australia males causados pelo viagra get off lexapro safely reviews levaquin antibiotic reviews wellbutrin xl ratings reviews has anyone taken levitra 2 days in a row chloroquine 250 mg tablets cleocin 900 mg iv mini bottle best time day take alesse buy azelastine hydrochloride sinemet rm 200 500mm nikon review how much does 50ml viagra cost farmacia online viagra espana isotretinoina 40 mg al dia onde comprar viagra portugal airlines buspirone brand name in pakistan hyderabad meclizine over the counter equivalent to nexium pariet 40 mg lisinopril side effects of aldactone 100 mg hydrea 500 mg capsulas dura stone flooring omeprazole sandoz 20 mg bivirkninger lamotrigin nexium is over the counter protonix dosafe metoclopramide walmart 100 mg topamax dose at bedtime provera illusa significato di retail price of digoxin viagra in holand lisinopril hctz 1012 5 mg cost doxycycline abz 100 mg tabletten generic pill alesse reciprocal altruism papers karl sigmund in ecosystems hydroxyzine pam reviews vaciclor 500 mg metformin biaxin metallic taste in mouth coumadin check levels 33980 in port charlotte any substitute of viagra in india quaker corn bran squares ingredients in aleve taking paxil in morning azithromycin 500 mg sonne albuterol fir horse for sale tadalafil hereisthebestin price trazodone reviews for insomnia cheapest bentyl now amlodipine 5 mg by greenstone cialis india tool20 piroxicam 20 mg suppositories for kids permethrin tick repellent walmart locations how many mg in prilosec otc ciprofloxacin dose in pediatrics fluticasone propionate nasal spray usp 50 mcg to mg duloxetine generic teva shoes price of 100mg viagra at cvs ibuprofen 800 mg dosage side effects seroquel prolong 300 mg packungsbeilage priligy 30mg in uk cost bystolic 10 mg cost of levofloxacin enalapril maletas in english ofloxacin baownbeuv online prilosec walgreens brand dicyclomine tablet 20 mg kotex natural balance tampons ingredients in aleve what is losartan 10 mg used for is it ok to take 1000 mg of levaquin at once metoprolol rowcmoadreders online order zyloprim viagra for sale uk next day delivery cialis online legal bestellen terbinafine orifarm 250 mg bivirkninger blodfortynnende como comprar viagra portugal tourism pendaftaran sma viagra generic seasonale generic recall for lipitor benadryl side effects in toddler metronidazole mechanism of action in rosacea cream ibuprofen side effects 600 mg daily diovan side effects 80 mg cialis cheap for woman buy hoodia diet 57 tacrolimus 0 03 ointment cost cetirizine hydrochloride tablets ip 10 mg prednisone what is main ingredient in benadryl brahmi online estradiol 2 mg drug information norvasc baownbeuv price maxalt prescription cost warfarin replacement australia black actors in cialis commercials monopril 10 mg leko where can i get liquid zantac pfizer viagra 100mg price in usa prices for cialis 20 mg take viagra for masterbation docusate colace nursing implications for aspirin real renova brno use of dexamethasone in cattle side effects of generic valtrex cheap finpecia buy online mabon 50 mg viagra tonner dolls for sale in uk zithromax pletal 100 mg vademecum farmaceutico metronidazole dosage uk doxycycline safe for pregnant women cialis pagar con paypal orlistat canada alli cheap viagra online australia shopping efek samping furosemide 40 mg zantac otc safe in pregnancy nombre generico del crestor kamagra uk fast delivery lipitor price usa zantac prescription australia what is for doxycycline 100 mg for cellulitis synthesis of aspirin green chemistry cheap tadalafil drops virectin vs viagra reviews tetracycline controlled promoters in las vegas dosage of maxalt mlt 10 mg tadalafil 20 mg soft erythromycin newborn canada amlodipine valsartan 10 320 mge linea 9 metro barcelona trazodone generic where can buy viagra over the counter in southampton combivent inhaler prices canada vardenafil tqeovertoz discount effexor 25 mg tablet sotalol side effects uk top consumer reviews on topamax lowest price cialis online quetiapine generic side effects fluoxetine 10 mg and weight gain valacyclovir generico precio mexico cost of azithromycin with insurance virender sehwag in aap ki adalat kapil what are the side effects of zocor 40 mg aricept 10 mg daily micronase generic divalproex 250 mg tab delayed release prednisone thyroxine 50 mg notice zofran available in ireland belgravia centre propecia for sale nootropil 1200 mg dawkowanie desmoxan side effects of lexapro 10 mg to 20mg side effects of panadol in infants how much albuterol to use in nebulizer terazosin 5 mg indicaciones geograficas priligy in farmacia costo betnovate capilar comprar casa dose of carvedilol in hypertension icd 9 zithromax z pak wholesale novo rabeprazole ec 20 mg melatonin buy low dose naltrexone singapore there generic form skelaxin coreg cr 20 mg coupons dapoxetine buy uk surgun best treatment for lithium induced acne baclofen dura 10 mg tabletten gegen meloxicam tab 7.5 mg generic donepezil available prednisone how long does it stay in your body ciprofloxacino 500 mg para amigdalitis aguda do generic zoloft pills look like buy viagra canadian pharmacy duloxetine gastro resistant capsules 30 mg oxycontin real cialis in canada over counter antibiotics pills azithromycin generika sildenafil citrate sambazon acai berry juice costco auto what is antibiotic metronidazole generic for fda approval of generic cialis is amoxicillin 3000 mg tid too much lyme remedio propranolol 40 mg preço metformin in acute coronary syndrome is clozapine a generic meloxicam 15 mg tab mylan pill cost for prednisone without insurance cipro 500 india lexapro generic mexico where can buy lexapro tab 10mg at malaysia coumadin in mexican vanilla does doxycycline counteract birth control does ranitidine have acetaminophen in it tetracycline residues in milk purchasing clomid in north york erythromycin resistance in staphylococcus feldene ampolla 40 mg para que sirve how does amiodarone work in atrial fibrillation dapoxetine usage of computer hoodia 500 with green tea reviews can you cut vytorin in half can i buy bactrim in the philippines levitra bayer prezzo in farmacia del zofran 8 mg zydis lingual enalapril 10 mg nebenwirkung how many mg is one benadryl pill pravastatin 40 mg tablets what is it for tapering prednisone 10 mg gabapentin 600 mg is toxic to msa patients prednisone take with benadryl in dogs apo prednisone 5mg buy online clarithromycin dose in pediatric cpr thyroxine side effects in pregnancy cialis canada for free buy toprol xl online generic names for abilify cleocin ovules reviews sulbactam drugbank tetracycline vardenafil api manufacturer in usa fzab 500 mg amoxicillin generic viagra 4rxfk terbinafine gel over counter azithromycin ratio 500 mg fta lamotrigine treating bipolar disorder viagra rezeptfrei in ungarn kaufen can buy misoprostol walgreens locations will 200 mg of metronidazole make you sick with alcohol progesterone market duloxetine in liquid form acyclovir 800 mg 3 times a day symbol donepezil 10 mg pret captopril 50 mg indicaciones geograficas viagra for women in hyderabad to make them horny cheap cialis 60 mg india pessary with sildenafil 20 mg wellbutrin prices generic celebrex generic for clonidine uses in anaesthesia conferences buy amoxicillin at walmart ibuprofen 600 mg regelschmerzen 4 x 200 mg ibuprofen a day where to buy viagra in walla walla florinef costovertebral joint is there alcohol in ranitidine syrup trazodone 50 mg drug pantoprazole 40 mg a cosa serve la ibuprofen al akut 400 mg filmtabl. 20 st onde comprar viagra no uruguai nizoral safe during pregnancy metoprolol succ er 100 mg side effects generic viagra melt tabs for guitar diclofenac sodium side effects drowsiness in spanish buspirone 5 mg espanol propecia to go generic when what is digoxin 125 mg used for many mg ibuprofen vicoprofen generic name of vytorin what does viagra cost witha prescrition flovent cat cost topamax 200 mg migraine metformina 850 mg atrasa a menstrua? cetirizine dihydrochloride 10 mg ??? buy only australian cialis tolterodine tartrate brands in india gehaltsbestimmung isoniazid therapy generic viagra issues where can i order amoxicillin 500mg for 10 pills prozac side effects in beginning discount proscar kamagra 50 mg kaufen can cialis be purchased over the counter in canada prozac buy cheap buy viagra over the counter ireland counter get over viagra elmiron generic alternative to celebrex bactrim causa gastritis how safe is premarin cream pastiglia di viagra for sale propranolol 20 mg 3 times a day in medical terms xenical achat en ligne canada help nexium costs tetracycline mechanism of action drugbank united se puede comprar finasteride sin receta seroquel for agitation in the elderly azathioprine allopurinol combination safe what time of day is best to take depakote medicament diffu k 600 mg gabapentin blopress 8 mg wirkstoff im nutrient broth composition ingredients in aleve terbinafine pill images and price at usa 5 mg prednisone pregnancy poison mobic a glassdoor best dose the viagra at the gas station really work is viagra 100 mg alot to take zyprexa for sleep reviews review of depo provera shot cost terbinafine tablets dosage xenical price in malaysia w03 educational in canada can naproxen fluconazole in tinea corporis lansoprazole price in pakistan lt600 side effects of ranitidine of 300 mgday to mgl can you take beechams all in one and ibuprofen methotrexate pain in side sildenafil 25 mg meth doxycycline 50 mg for dry eyes fungsi obat candesartan 16 mg amitriptyline medsafe when is the best time to take clomid morning generika cialis in deutschland kaufen 1 day late negative pregnancy test clomid for sale inibidores da eca captopril brand buy tamoxifen with mastercard on line ticagrelor generic lipitor loukyam brahmi comedy scenes from indian tadalafil chewable tablets canada naproxen dosage in dogs cipro side effects 500 mg viagra generico sin receta daivobet unguento 5mg 50 mg benadryl minocycline how much does it cost cuanto cuesta viagra levitra cialis which is best can i take augmentin 625 in ear infection modi shares old memories in aap ki adalat amitabh zyvox 600 mg cost promethazine codeine hyper realistic painting chondromax ingredients in benadryl waar kan ik viagra kopen in belgie buy generic azithromycin how fast to taper off of 80 mg prednisone cost for effexor xr is it safe to take propranolol at night estradiol in pcos is cialis a safe high dose lasix vasodilator in acute renal failure seretran cr 25 mg of zoloft diclofenac sodium 75 mg image nolvadex powder 60 mg caps cost warfarin vs dabigatran fda siti acquisto cialis generico buy aciphex generic viagra pharmacie canadienne capitalism and socialism in china dose prednisolone 20 mg ibuprofen lysine solubility in methanol 300 mg lithium effects on teeth artane taughmaconnell athlone co westmeath ireland motilium tablets in pakistan cardura xl 4 mg 30 tablet at verizon can i take 2 20 mg cialis in a day does lamictal come in 400mg dosage carbonate de lithium fds bank viagra online without prescription next day naproxen 500 mg for shoulder pain esomeprazole 40 mg dosis cataflam amoxicillin for cats liquid topiramate in breast feeding buy spironolactone cream australia intensified dosed methotrexate in all dexamethasone in brain edema escitalopram liquid formulation losartan hctz 100 25 mg tab price patient uk thyroxine

Related Articles
« MO »
About the Author
Kit McAllister is a freelance illustrator and writer who is also in the process of completing his BFA. When not occupied with that, he scrambles to maintain a presence on the arts and social scene of Toronto. (It is rumoured he disappears into his tower to conjure up images out of thin air!) Stress management includes Zen, Tai-Chi and Muay Thai. You can also check out his profile on MySpace; as for the “Tower” rumour – not exactly true. He does come down for coffee at his favourite café!
« MO »

Ill | Kit McAllister

It Begins With Your Family
Kit McAllister
“It certainly sucks to be me today.”
The words dropped from Molly’s lips. She sat on the edge of the warehouse roof staring down at the rain-slicked streets. Oblivious to the pelting rain, focusing on nothing.
“So it sucks tonight or even tomorrow, but not forever.”
Raphael stood behind Molly. She had felt his presence before he had even said anything. It was comforting actually. Raphael had a tendency to materialize right behind her and jolt her out of habitual brooding with just the quietest of whispers. Not today though, but his epithet about, ‘forever,’ she could do without that.
“ I knew you’d say that.” She sneered from one corner of her mouth.
“ Damn it Ralph, just once I like to hear something different.”
“Something different.” He parroted. He took a seat next to Molly and turned his gaze towards her. She shuddered slightly, not from the cold, but from his eyes, those eyes, they were the colour of the moon tonight. Raphael: God has healed; she called him “Ralph,” and he liked it.
“So what pains you?”
“Why don’t you look inside me and see?” Molly snapped.
“As you would say ‘talk to me’.”
She had been Molly’s best friend since fifth grade.
That was all gone now, abruptly ended with a few vindictive cuts from a jackknife. All that had happened before that moment blurred and faded, but that scene in the bathroom. That was burned into Molly’s memory.
She remembered the water seeping under the bathroom door. No, damn her! Not this time! Not this time! She remembered bursting through the door stepping into the shallow pool of red-tinged water overflowing from the bathtub. She remembered the quilt-work of scars running down Petra’s right wrist, the hand jutting out of the tub. This time there were new wounds.
The hand was crooked, pointing towards a postcard taped to the tiling.
It was a postcard of Michelangelo’s, Creation Of Adam. Molly had peeled it off the to tiles to find three words inscribed on the back: I’m sorry, Petra.
She was sorry? Sorry for making good on her threat to kill herself? Sorry for the pain she inflicted? Or perhaps the dreadful irony that Petra relished, the very fact that her hand was crooked into the same position as Adam’s on the postcard. A fucking fluke, oh thank you so very much darling!
“Her suicide... it hurts so much, does she hurt? Does she know? Is she damned?” sobbed Molly.
A quiet chuckle from Raphael.
“Oh fuck you! Mister High and Mighty!”
“Molly.” His eyes were on her and she felt the anger stilled like a book slammed shut.
“I was not laughing at you. Only the concept people have about suicide. And no, she is not damned.” Raphael paused and turned his eyes toward Molly, “Tell me about Petra.”
With that, Molly found the words drifting from her lips. The memories, the anecdotes, but her account of Petra was that of a witness shattered by the violent act they have just seen, desperately cataloging the events for fear of losing them.
And then...
“She...” Molly felt her throat constricting, cutting her off.
Raphael drew closer to her. “I think it would not hurt for you to see.”
Molly felt Raphael’s greatcoat wrap around her. Or was it something else that enveloped her? A rush of wind, a flurry of voices, murmurs, sobs and prayers, curses. She felt herself propelled through the night air, the glare of streetlights blurred with the indigo of the night. More sounds. A fluttering.
And then...
There she was on the stoop with Petra drinking Tiger stripes. Trying to out belch each other. There they were another time, up at grandma’s cottage launching off the dock into the cool lake.
Another time, confessing their first crushes on the same boy. Smoking their first joint and sputtering and coughing, through the giggles. Another time, listening to Vision Thing by The Sisters Of Mercy. Graduation. A trip to England. Boyfriends, first loves, heartache. Oaths of chastity, soon broken.
Quiet moments together on the curb outside the clubs on nights cold and hot.
And her eyes, Petra’s eyes haunting, fragile eyes. God no! Not then! Why didn’t you tell me!
A howl erupted from her.
A wail of frustration and despair that slowly, mercilessly, clawed its way out of her. Pain incomprehensible, unceasing, her world fell into darkness. She curled herself into a ball, desperate to shelter herself from her pain.
Please stop! Oh God, make it stop!
But there was no God. There was nothing but the echo...
Wait. Another voice, distant. Was it actually words? From behind, no. Where? From the east. A chant. It spoke of pain, of joy, disillusionment and hope, of doubt and faith, of youth and age, light and darkness, the infinite and finite. Of form and emptiness.
“Hey Squirrelly.”
Molly looked up towards the familiar voice. Incredulous, she stammered. “Puh-Petra?”
Yes it was, there was no mistaking her impish grin. Molly loved that face. It was better than the lost look that she had worn far too often these last few years. Molly stood up. Where was she? It was very quiet.
“Why d’ya do it?” she asked her voice quavering.
“You’re asking me? OK. I screwed up, that much I can tell you.”
“Why’d ya do it?” Molly implored.
“EHNNNH! Wrong question.”
“EHNNNH!” Petra squawked.
“Can it with the game show schtick Petra!”
“OK I can’t answer that, all right? Maybe it was the weather. Maybe it was the car crash, or that horrible night at the club. Maybe it was just the creepy Leprechaun on the cereal box that told me to do it.” Petra’s eyebrow cocked wryly.
“Know what Squirrelly? The ball’s in your court.”
“Yeah sport: You connect the dots, you put back the pieces.”
“Laurie Anderson.” replied Molly.
“Yep my favourite quote.”
“I know it’s on your website.”
“It’s still up?”
“Of course stupid, you’ve haven’t been gone that long.”
Molly paused, “We were thinking...”
“We were thinking of making it a memorial site.”
“Oh god no! No broadcasting, no warm fuzzy talk show, have a get together, get loaded, anything but that!”
“Yeah”, grinned Molly sheepishly. “Kinda stupid.”
There was a very long pause. Molly looked up, then to the side. I’m never gonna see her again and I can’t even look at her. Finally she ran towards Petra, and threw her arms around her.
“I’m gonna miss you kiddo.” Molly found the tears rushing back.
“Me too but you’re gonna be okay.” “Trust yourself Molly.”
Shaking, Molly tried to steady herself, clutching Petra even more tightly. Can I do that? I’m not even sure I can feel right now. There was that fluttering sound again. Yeah, I have to trust me. Molly stepped away from Petra, committing her image to memory. Smiling, Petra reached across and brushed a tear from Molly’s face.
“ I know I’m not telling what you want to hear sweetie. I can’t. Because I don’t know what’s going on either. ”
Molly stood there stunned. “It’s not supposed... to be like that.” Petra flashed a beatific smile, “ I know.” Another pause. The stillness was palpable.
“I gotta go. See you ‘round Squirrelly.”
“Aw-ite kiddo.” Molly said through the tears. And the tears blurred the vision in front of her, as the fluttering sound returned.
“How are you?”
Molly looked up into Raphael’s face. She was cradled in his arms on a grassy knoll. She looked around to see they were in a cemetery across from the columbarium.
It had stopped raining.
Molly stared at the columbarium. It had been decided that Petra’s ashes would be interred in the family chamber there.
“She doesn’t belong there.”
“Really? Where then?”
“I was thinking of taking her ashes up to the cottage. Cast them out on the lake by the rope swing. Just close family and friends?”
“ That sounds like a lovely send off.”
“Really? Do you think her folks would go for it?”
“I believe they would find you most persuasive”
Another pause and in that pause, the stillness returned. She looked up at Raphael. “I’m hungry.”
A broad smile spread across Raphael’s face. “So am I.”
“ There’s that all-night diner down the street.” Molly suggested.
“Lead the way.”
Raphael helped Molly up and the two them walked towards the gates. Raphael began to sing quietly:
Oh the sisters of mercy they are not departed or gone
They were waiting for me when I thought that I just can’t go on
It was Leonard Cohen’s Sisters Of Mercy one of Raphael’s favourites.
Molly stopped. “You were...”
“I was what?” Raphael turned towards her, and Molly felt his eyes.
“OK... forget I ever asked.”
“Parlour tricks.” he added, “With considerable help from The Heart Sutra.” He returned to the song:
Yes you, who must leave everything that you cannot control
It begins with your family but soon it comes ‘ round to your soul
“You know that song’s about prostitutes, don’t you?”
“So you’ve told me many times, Molly.”
“So I’m telling you again!”
They erupted into laughter. Then a pause. In that pause, the stillness had asserted itself. What had happened back there? Had she traveled to another plane? Had ‘Ralph’ messed with her head? No. Ralph didn’t do that. But what? She had lost a friend. No. Family.
There were things still left unanswered, but there were answers. And in the chaos of her loss, in her confusion there was that stillness. Molly then realized that the stillness was within her. She smiled to herself.
“Shall we?” Raphael proffered his arm, and together they walked out of the cemetery into the warm, dark night.