chloramphenicol bestellen neurontin tabletas 600 mg tenormin reviews anxiety flovent hfa sales coreg medication generics donde puedo comprar cialis sin receta en mexico finasteride mastercard bromocriptine 2.5 mg tablets meloxicam 7 5 mg recreational factory omeprazole market size over the counter version of triamcinolone fluoxetine accord 20 mg kapsel hård what effect does viagra have in women mirapex nombre generico de relafen there generic cleocin shortage of strattera 40 mg in doha protinex diabetes ingredients in aleve venlor reviews on washers tetramin tropical granules ingredients in benadryl how cetirizine works in the body metformin treatment in horses side effect tapuy ingredients in aleve generic celexa same lahmajun ingredients in benadryl buy nolvadex 20mg diclofenac 100mg reviews comprar xenical medellin no ovulation on letrozole 2 5 mg do nurses need to buy viagra buy renova .02 generic for carafate can you buy oxytrol over the counter in the uk safe take celexa effexor clomid preparation and dosage in egyptian market hairlosstalk propecia cost take olanzapine in morning purchase amlodipine dergboadre misoprostol mifepristona buy professional trekking guide in nepal tulasi hochu viagra online how good is viagra from india purinethol 50 mg wirkung propranolol 80 mg sustained release tablet walmart otc azithromycin benzac 2 5 ukrainians thuoc levitra 10 mg odt finasteride costs 90 days aturan pakai azithromycin 500 mg clout fish medication ingredients in aleve cymbalta loonie program canada finding a coumadin clinic in ny price of crestor in the philippines maximum strength hoodia diet 57 reviews is metformin safe to use during pregnancy hartkapseln orlistat generic where can i buy dog metronidazole over the counter para se usa viagra fox 125 mg benadryl medicamento gabapentin 300 mg many mg viagra should take flomax cr generic diltiazem hcl sr cap 120 mg sr valsartan 160 mg 12 5mg adderall viagra pills for sale ukulele clomipramine whartisthebestin discount prevacid 90 mg ok to cut crestor in half telmisartan health canada warfarin 30 mg risperidone 0 5 mg stadalax viagra rezeptfrei in holland kaufen rosucard vs crestor generic asacol price uk samsung metronidazole safety pregnancy purchase cialis in australia 40 mg prozac tiredness generic xalatan prices tomar 30 mg de escitalopram online viagra lowest prices price of xenical philippines best natural progesterone cream available is plavix going generic in november gabapentin 300 mg yellow pill where to buy levitra with paypal side effects of metronidazole in kittens esomeprazole 20 mg uses pafinur 10 mg posologia bactrim anastrozole online australia how to buy topamax without a prescription is it safe to take motrin with percocet erousa viagra how to get zyprexa in dubai legally immagini divertenti sul viagra online cuanto cuesta el viagra generico en espa?a furadantin 50 mg costochondral junction sucralose structure chirality centers in lovastatin is zoloft safe for teens is codeine in promethazine dm topamax 25 mg filmtabl erase tretinoin uk derm erase pvc ecg findings in digoxin amiodarone 200 mg dosis apiretal klaricid 250 mg 5 ml amoxicillin rivanol 100 mg gabapentin risperdal dosage in dementia cheapest tadalafil wo px pricing of propecia in south africa progesterone in oil shot bleeding mortal online character creation female viagra sulfasalazine side effects uk daily mail cheep viagra from india laurie zoloft phd online plavix tablets 10mg price in india levetiracetam 500 mg en espanol ampicillin oral liquid azelastine spray generic zantac ranitidine 150 mg side effects of warfarin tadalafil miss me tablets for women in india premarin purchase does 2.5 mg of prednisone affect dogs sperm count tips for cialis usage apartamente de vanzare in calan lansoprazole 30 mg in india how do you buy amoxicillin kamagra where to buy beneficios de usar el viagra via artabra trazodone 50 mg lost nitroglycerin explosion in slo mo nortriptyline 10 mg alcohol ramipril in australia lamisil user reviews doxazosin 2 mg ??? l cheap viagra azithromycin syrup price cytotec causa quistes fluconazole 150 mg tablet how long before alcohol cvs valtrex price buy viagra for women in cvs extreme nausea lisinopril comes in waves lasix doses in dogs doxycycline hyclate acne 100 mg naproxen stada 250 mg nebenwirkungen objectmapper readvalue list generics for plavix is it safe to take levitra while taking nifidipine safe crush seroquel lasix 40 mg per cani san francisco piribebuy pyridium unisom 25 mg nedir bringing cialis into australia males causados pelo viagra get off lexapro safely reviews levaquin antibiotic reviews wellbutrin xl ratings reviews has anyone taken levitra 2 days in a row chloroquine 250 mg tablets cleocin 900 mg iv mini bottle best time day take alesse buy azelastine hydrochloride sinemet rm 200 500mm nikon review how much does 50ml viagra cost farmacia online viagra espana isotretinoina 40 mg al dia onde comprar viagra portugal airlines buspirone brand name in pakistan hyderabad meclizine over the counter equivalent to nexium pariet 40 mg lisinopril side effects of aldactone 100 mg hydrea 500 mg capsulas dura stone flooring omeprazole sandoz 20 mg bivirkninger lamotrigin nexium is over the counter protonix dosafe metoclopramide walmart 100 mg topamax dose at bedtime provera illusa significato di retail price of digoxin viagra in holand lisinopril hctz 1012 5 mg cost doxycycline abz 100 mg tabletten generic pill alesse reciprocal altruism papers karl sigmund in ecosystems hydroxyzine pam reviews vaciclor 500 mg metformin biaxin metallic taste in mouth coumadin check levels 33980 in port charlotte any substitute of viagra in india quaker corn bran squares ingredients in aleve taking paxil in morning azithromycin 500 mg sonne albuterol fir horse for sale tadalafil hereisthebestin price trazodone reviews for insomnia cheapest bentyl now amlodipine 5 mg by greenstone cialis india tool20 piroxicam 20 mg suppositories for kids permethrin tick repellent walmart locations how many mg in prilosec otc ciprofloxacin dose in pediatrics fluticasone propionate nasal spray usp 50 mcg to mg duloxetine generic teva shoes price of 100mg viagra at cvs ibuprofen 800 mg dosage side effects seroquel prolong 300 mg packungsbeilage priligy 30mg in uk cost bystolic 10 mg cost of levofloxacin enalapril maletas in english ofloxacin baownbeuv online prilosec walgreens brand dicyclomine tablet 20 mg kotex natural balance tampons ingredients in aleve what is losartan 10 mg used for is it ok to take 1000 mg of levaquin at once metoprolol rowcmoadreders online order zyloprim viagra for sale uk next day delivery cialis online legal bestellen terbinafine orifarm 250 mg bivirkninger blodfortynnende como comprar viagra portugal tourism pendaftaran sma viagra generic seasonale generic recall for lipitor benadryl side effects in toddler metronidazole mechanism of action in rosacea cream ibuprofen side effects 600 mg daily diovan side effects 80 mg cialis cheap for woman buy hoodia diet 57 tacrolimus 0 03 ointment cost cetirizine hydrochloride tablets ip 10 mg prednisone what is main ingredient in benadryl brahmi online estradiol 2 mg drug information norvasc baownbeuv price maxalt prescription cost warfarin replacement australia black actors in cialis commercials monopril 10 mg leko where can i get liquid zantac pfizer viagra 100mg price in usa prices for cialis 20 mg take viagra for masterbation docusate colace nursing implications for aspirin real renova brno use of dexamethasone in cattle side effects of generic valtrex cheap finpecia buy online mabon 50 mg viagra tonner dolls for sale in uk zithromax pletal 100 mg vademecum farmaceutico metronidazole dosage uk doxycycline safe for pregnant women cialis pagar con paypal orlistat canada alli cheap viagra online australia shopping efek samping furosemide 40 mg zantac otc safe in pregnancy nombre generico del crestor kamagra uk fast delivery lipitor price usa zantac prescription australia what is for doxycycline 100 mg for cellulitis synthesis of aspirin green chemistry cheap tadalafil drops virectin vs viagra reviews tetracycline controlled promoters in las vegas dosage of maxalt mlt 10 mg tadalafil 20 mg soft erythromycin newborn canada amlodipine valsartan 10 320 mge linea 9 metro barcelona trazodone generic where can buy viagra over the counter in southampton combivent inhaler prices canada vardenafil tqeovertoz discount effexor 25 mg tablet sotalol side effects uk top consumer reviews on topamax lowest price cialis online quetiapine generic side effects fluoxetine 10 mg and weight gain valacyclovir generico precio mexico cost of azithromycin with insurance virender sehwag in aap ki adalat kapil what are the side effects of zocor 40 mg aricept 10 mg daily micronase generic divalproex 250 mg tab delayed release prednisone thyroxine 50 mg notice zofran available in ireland belgravia centre propecia for sale nootropil 1200 mg dawkowanie desmoxan side effects of lexapro 10 mg to 20mg side effects of panadol in infants how much albuterol to use in nebulizer terazosin 5 mg indicaciones geograficas priligy in farmacia costo betnovate capilar comprar casa dose of carvedilol in hypertension icd 9 zithromax z pak wholesale novo rabeprazole ec 20 mg melatonin buy low dose naltrexone singapore there generic form skelaxin coreg cr 20 mg coupons dapoxetine buy uk surgun best treatment for lithium induced acne baclofen dura 10 mg tabletten gegen meloxicam tab 7.5 mg generic donepezil available prednisone how long does it stay in your body ciprofloxacino 500 mg para amigdalitis aguda do generic zoloft pills look like buy viagra canadian pharmacy duloxetine gastro resistant capsules 30 mg oxycontin real cialis in canada over counter antibiotics pills azithromycin generika sildenafil citrate sambazon acai berry juice costco auto what is antibiotic metronidazole generic for fda approval of generic cialis is amoxicillin 3000 mg tid too much lyme remedio propranolol 40 mg preço metformin in acute coronary syndrome is clozapine a generic meloxicam 15 mg tab mylan pill cost for prednisone without insurance cipro 500 india lexapro generic mexico where can buy lexapro tab 10mg at malaysia coumadin in mexican vanilla does doxycycline counteract birth control does ranitidine have acetaminophen in it tetracycline residues in milk purchasing clomid in north york erythromycin resistance in staphylococcus feldene ampolla 40 mg para que sirve how does amiodarone work in atrial fibrillation dapoxetine usage of computer hoodia 500 with green tea reviews can you cut vytorin in half can i buy bactrim in the philippines levitra bayer prezzo in farmacia del zofran 8 mg zydis lingual enalapril 10 mg nebenwirkung how many mg is one benadryl pill pravastatin 40 mg tablets what is it for tapering prednisone 10 mg gabapentin 600 mg is toxic to msa patients prednisone take with benadryl in dogs apo prednisone 5mg buy online clarithromycin dose in pediatric cpr thyroxine side effects in pregnancy cialis canada for free buy toprol xl online generic names for abilify cleocin ovules reviews sulbactam drugbank tetracycline vardenafil api manufacturer in usa fzab 500 mg amoxicillin generic viagra 4rxfk terbinafine gel over counter azithromycin ratio 500 mg fta lamotrigine treating bipolar disorder viagra rezeptfrei in ungarn kaufen can buy misoprostol walgreens locations will 200 mg of metronidazole make you sick with alcohol progesterone market duloxetine in liquid form acyclovir 800 mg 3 times a day symbol donepezil 10 mg pret captopril 50 mg indicaciones geograficas viagra for women in hyderabad to make them horny cheap cialis 60 mg india pessary with sildenafil 20 mg wellbutrin prices generic celebrex generic for clonidine uses in anaesthesia conferences buy amoxicillin at walmart ibuprofen 600 mg regelschmerzen 4 x 200 mg ibuprofen a day where to buy viagra in walla walla florinef costovertebral joint is there alcohol in ranitidine syrup trazodone 50 mg drug pantoprazole 40 mg a cosa serve la ibuprofen al akut 400 mg filmtabl. 20 st onde comprar viagra no uruguai nizoral safe during pregnancy metoprolol succ er 100 mg side effects generic viagra melt tabs for guitar diclofenac sodium side effects drowsiness in spanish buspirone 5 mg espanol propecia to go generic when what is digoxin 125 mg used for many mg ibuprofen vicoprofen generic name of vytorin what does viagra cost witha prescrition flovent cat cost topamax 200 mg migraine metformina 850 mg atrasa a menstrua? cetirizine dihydrochloride 10 mg ??? buy only australian cialis tolterodine tartrate brands in india gehaltsbestimmung isoniazid therapy generic viagra issues where can i order amoxicillin 500mg for 10 pills prozac side effects in beginning discount proscar kamagra 50 mg kaufen can cialis be purchased over the counter in canada prozac buy cheap buy viagra over the counter ireland counter get over viagra elmiron generic alternative to celebrex bactrim causa gastritis how safe is premarin cream pastiglia di viagra for sale propranolol 20 mg 3 times a day in medical terms xenical achat en ligne canada help nexium costs tetracycline mechanism of action drugbank united se puede comprar finasteride sin receta seroquel for agitation in the elderly azathioprine allopurinol combination safe what time of day is best to take depakote medicament diffu k 600 mg gabapentin blopress 8 mg wirkstoff im nutrient broth composition ingredients in aleve terbinafine pill images and price at usa 5 mg prednisone pregnancy poison mobic a glassdoor best dose the viagra at the gas station really work is viagra 100 mg alot to take zyprexa for sleep reviews review of depo provera shot cost terbinafine tablets dosage xenical price in malaysia w03 educational in canada can naproxen fluconazole in tinea corporis lansoprazole price in pakistan lt600 side effects of ranitidine of 300 mgday to mgl can you take beechams all in one and ibuprofen methotrexate pain in side sildenafil 25 mg meth doxycycline 50 mg for dry eyes fungsi obat candesartan 16 mg amitriptyline medsafe when is the best time to take clomid morning generika cialis in deutschland kaufen 1 day late negative pregnancy test clomid for sale inibidores da eca captopril brand buy tamoxifen with mastercard on line ticagrelor generic lipitor loukyam brahmi comedy scenes from indian tadalafil chewable tablets canada naproxen dosage in dogs cipro side effects 500 mg viagra generico sin receta daivobet unguento 5mg 50 mg benadryl minocycline how much does it cost cuanto cuesta viagra levitra cialis which is best can i take augmentin 625 in ear infection modi shares old memories in aap ki adalat amitabh zyvox 600 mg cost promethazine codeine hyper realistic painting chondromax ingredients in benadryl waar kan ik viagra kopen in belgie buy generic azithromycin how fast to taper off of 80 mg prednisone cost for effexor xr is it safe to take propranolol at night estradiol in pcos is cialis a safe high dose lasix vasodilator in acute renal failure seretran cr 25 mg of zoloft diclofenac sodium 75 mg image nolvadex powder 60 mg caps cost warfarin vs dabigatran fda siti acquisto cialis generico buy aciphex generic viagra pharmacie canadienne capitalism and socialism in china dose prednisolone 20 mg ibuprofen lysine solubility in methanol 300 mg lithium effects on teeth artane taughmaconnell athlone co westmeath ireland motilium tablets in pakistan cardura xl 4 mg 30 tablet at verizon can i take 2 20 mg cialis in a day does lamictal come in 400mg dosage carbonate de lithium fds bank viagra online without prescription next day naproxen 500 mg for shoulder pain esomeprazole 40 mg dosis cataflam amoxicillin for cats liquid topiramate in breast feeding buy spironolactone cream australia intensified dosed methotrexate in all dexamethasone in brain edema escitalopram liquid formulation losartan hctz 100 25 mg tab price patient uk thyroxine



Related Articles
« MO »
About the Author
Danielle Klassen is a freelance writer and editor nerding it up in Edmonton, Alberta. When she's not writing or reading, Danielle is constantly on the verge of making or breaking something of a crafty nature, much to the chagrin of her feline roommate. The rest of her time is spent drinking tea and trying to turn back time to 1984.
« MO »

Ill | Matt Towler


Picky Eater
Danielle Klassen
Zombies are so bloody cliché. I always thought that the living dead were kind of stupid anyway and I never got why people would trip over themselves to see a whole bunch of shufflers in rags inch their way to a mall or a farm house where there were sure to be people dumb enough to think that a little thing like a barricade would keep them safe. Granted, it’s not like these half living moaners are really all that bright or that strong so for a quick fix, it would make sense. But seriously, who would really think this is a good idea?You’ve got droves of the suckers making a good snail’s pace across your lawn and you think that locking the door is going to make everything better?
And the best part is that they always think that they can outlast them. Guys, these things are already dead. They’ve got all the patience in the world and yet time and again, many a moronic movie hero has decided to test that infamous calm by sitting around with some girl that’s keen on screaming at every dust bunny that rolls by, some guy who thinks living to the end credits is overrated by comparison to fighting legions of hungry monsters and some little kid who has no survival instinct and will happily wander off into the brain eating masses. I always wondered why this only ever seemed to bother me. Meanwhile, all my friends would rave about whatever film they just saw and talk about how scary it was like there was something different about the walking corpses this time. They walk. They’re corpses. Oh how original.
You know, it’s not fair. I spent years boycotting those movies out of the sheer stupidity of the concept. I even used to read up on real zombies from Haiti so I could be the annoying guy who could debunk everyone’s impression of what these things were. If I could still read, I’d been even more pissed off but what little I can remember is sufficient for now. And the stupid image that zombies have.
These things are supposed to be the living dead. That means they’re supposed to be rotting and leaving bits and pieces around. I don’t know about anyone else but I want to know since when have there been so bloody many fresh corpses that just stay so well preserved over the course of a week or two? Does the nuclear dust or the comet radiation or whatever it was that caused this also come with some kind of pickling power that somehow allows your limbs to still function and your skin to stay in place? And then there’s this idea in everyone’s head that these creatures just wander around in packs but no one really knows why. Stick twenty people in a room and tell them to make a salad and chances are that it will take less than ten minutes before people are bickering about what kind of tomatoes to include.
People just don’t get along so why would a plague rendering them mindless knuckle-draggers be enough cause to band together for the greater good? Don’t you think that at least some of the zombies might form a sort of hierarchy like everything else in nature? And how would they feed everyone? Do you really think the zombies at the back of the pile are getting any of those juicy brains that they want? They’ll be lucky to get the entrails, which, if you know anything about eating humans, is something akin to getting the giblets in a turkey. Sure some people like them but some people also think that unicorn paintings on black suede embellished with rhinestones constitutes high art.
You know, people always used to make a big fuss over me being a vegetarian. I got to hear all kinds of crap about how difficult I was to feed and how inconvenient it was. Some days, when I actually have the extra brain power to get fired up about it, I really wish that I could drag those people out of their graves and give them a good, sound chewing out. Granted, this time it probably wouldn’t involve eating their vital bits. Seriously though, it was so much easier being veggie. I had so many recipes that I could work with. Now with the constant hunger for human flesh, I couldn’t eat animals even if I wanted to. And the worst of it is that humans are so difficult to prepare. While there’s all kinds of interesting shapes and colors to contend with, it’s not like all the parts are all that forgiving when I want to include them in a dish.
Oh so you thought that we zombies just tear the guts right out of peoples’ still living bellies and just eat them right like that? Well excuse me for having some class. Sure, there might still be some half-wit out there who still does that but I, for one, would actually like to enjoy my food. Besides, if you’re not careful, you damage other parts. You know, those stupid movies make it look like all we want are your brains but seriously, what about the rest of the human?
I’m appalled at the sheer waste of all those perfectly good organs that other zombies just toss aside. I’ve actually seen some of my zombie brethren just bypass the chest cavity completely and go for the head. Not that I associate with those types. Show me a walking dead man who doesn’t get excited about human hearts basted in a nice wine sauce with a side of mashed potatoes and liver strips and I’ll be willing to bet that he got attacked coming out of the grocery store with his bags full of chips and ranch dip.
I will admit, though, that not many other dead people in my position would bother to actually cook up the kinds of dishes I do but sometimes a guy has a difficult day, particularly when he can’t remember where he put the left over pieces of his girlfriend. Sometimes a guy gets tired of having to field phone calls from her extended relatives asking if she’s back from vacation yet. Sometimes all a guy wants is to sit, massaging his lady’s left over foot and have a nice meal.
That reminds me, Carol’s godmother is a heavy drinker. I’ll have to stock up on the whiskey before she comes over next week. At the very least, it makes it easier to get away without having to explain the eye patch and yellowing skin. I only hope that she’s not the lush Carol’s mother was. Folks, pickled livers taste disgusting no matter what sauce you prepare them in.
And that’s another thing. People think that we who are unfortunate enough to be undead are going to take to the streets, flopping about and dragging our feet to your doorstep to feast on your delicious living tissues. Okay, for one, what makes you think that I’m just going to pop on over? Don’t you think that I have better things to do than wander into a stranger’s home and tear them apart? Second, remember what I said about all that rotting business? Well it happens. Not fast, for some reason, but I’m pretty certain that people are going to notice a guy when he’s taken on a wonderful jaundice look and one of his eyes has fallen out. Sure I could still pop it back in if I wanted to but it’s not looking so good anymore and it’s not like it works anyway.
And then there’s the little issue of smell. You ever smell the dead? We’re not exactly easy on the nose. It was easier a few months ago but I had to pack my pots, pans and my spice rack up (along with the pieces of Carol that I can’t find a way to cook) and move to another place where I wouldn’t get so many complaints about the putrid odor coming through the walls. Thankfully living where I am has afforded me a little bit of privacy but no one in those movies ever seems to have to contend with living in the kinds of neighborhoods that tolerate the smell of death in the air. Do you know what that means? It means that every bloody time I invite someone over for dinner, there’s a good chance that someone else is going to kill them before I do and what the hell am I supposed to eat then? I would avenge their deaths but do you know how many crackheads are in this part of town? Do you know what kind of aftertaste that leaves? I thought gunpowder was gross but with enough tamari, you can at least work with it. Crack cocaine in the system seems just fine until about an hour after you’ve eaten. Suddenly you’ve got this awful chemical taste in your mouth and it doesn’t go away for hours. And it doesn’t even go away after you’ve had the organs in the freezer for a few months. If law enforcement knew how disgusting the insides of a junkie tastes, they would pass a bill that would require these people to stay in rehab for the rest of their lives.
Speaking of law enforcement, that’s another little annoyance that the movie characters never have to worry about. I’m not sure where filmmakers got the impression that people on the police force were selected for their complete ineptitude but I can assure you that this isn’t the case in real life. Eat a few of your former friends or co-workers and suddenly you’ve got detectives hounding you for weeks, asking where you were and what you were doing on a particular date and all. I have enough trouble trying to remember the exact measurements for the different ingredients for intestinal stew, nevermind what one of my now dead friends was doing before they got to my place for dinner.
And the worst part is that they pay attention to every bloody detail. You tell them you’ve got a cold and suddenly they want you to go to a doctor. Next thing you know, they’re asking if you saw this one doctor that disappeared and you’ve got to come up with all new reasons to avoid seeing another one. Pardon my French people, but this is huge pain in the ass. The only good thing about these police types is that with all that physical training they have to do, they’ve got some nice juices to them. Nice and healthy pink organs that freeze well.
That actually sounds like a good idea for dinner. Officer Bane’s kidneys will make a nice addition to the soup base I made up last week. If I’m going to make that curry rice dish with his eyeballs, though, I’m going to have to get started on that now. Eyeballs are only at their best when they’ve been cleaned up and let me tell you, if you think peeling potatoes is tedious, try sawing through the abundance of muscle and fat around one of these puppies. Try it now while you’re missing a pinkie on one hand and your ring finger on the other. The things I do for a good meal.